A Day of Awakening
I woke up to a text message around 8:15 this morning from a guy who had pushed out our first date for the second time in less than 24 hours.
I found myself absolutely livid. I was superhero levels of angry. Unable to fall back asleep in my rage stage, I peeled myself out of bed and drove to Starbuck's to console myself with a hot latte and be angry on my porch for awhile.
I always tell people that as happy of a person I am, I too fall into traps of finding myself in victim mode. And in truth, today was one of those days. At least that's how it started.
I went in my room and starting digging for a journal to write in when a book over my head came off my shelf and whapped me square in the back of the head. I looked down it was a book called Spirit Junkie from Gabrielle Berstein. I had purchased this book earlier in the year and I realized I'd only gotten about 40 pages into it the last time I sat to read it. I'd finished my other favorite book on the planet, "You Are a Badass" earlier that same day and I was just "read-out" by that evening and never picked it up to finish it. I'd loved what I'd read and I even have the Spirit Junkie app on my iPhone, but I hadn't finished reading it cover to cover.
And isn't it funny that this book would intervene in my world today, literally with a smack on the head. HERE'S YOUR SIGN.
I've spent the last few months being very angry about certain aspects of my life. It's not that my life is bad, but there was a fundamental disconnect from myself that I literally had chosen to unplug. The realities of areas of my life were unpleasant, and ignoring/neglecting these aspects had festered into a jumbled existence of inner turmoil, personal stagnation, excessive vulnerability and paranoia, and a constant state of anxiety. I'd turned inward to distract from the things that were bothering me on the outside, and had internally painted myself into a corner. I was avoiding myself, all while trying to control outcomes. I've been exhausted and run down for weeks as a result.
The main things responsible were a vicious combination of fear and a lack of forgiveness. Not only in others, but in myself for past decisions, waning discretion, and moments where I'd gone against my better judgment and inner guiding voice to find temporary solutions and Band-aids to voids in my life. In short, there have been times where I have caused the leaks in own my sailboat and I was so busy using fear and deflection as justifications for my own turmoil that I stopped living in reality. I have been so focused on a sense that I'd continually been wronged that I fell deeply and blindly into victim mode. I clung to a desperate sense of ego and fear, handed my power over to others, and was lost in a fog that prevented me from seeing clearly. It's no wonder I've been in constant a sense of helpless, angry chaos. To top it off, I've been in a very cozy state of denial about many things in my life and not accepted responsibility for my role in them.
It literally took a book smacking some sense into me to intervene to release all of this and see myself, my life, and my purpose for what they are and not what my fear has limited it to be.
I sat on my balcony from about 10AM-5PM today and read Spirit Junkie. I can tell you right now that my day is completely different from committing to those hours and my willingness to be open to change and shifting perception. The problem usually isn't in other people. The problem is usually in you, your ability to perceive things, and your ability to forgive.
If you haven't read Spirit Junkie, you should. Go into it with an open mind about yourself and others. It's not about you being better than anyone else (in fact, the book drills that into you) in your ability to forgive other people and treat them with love, but it truly gives you a sense of peace and the ability to let things go and understand there is a purpose and power behind everything that's in your life. So much of your life is about your own perception and your CHOICE to see things that way. The main lessons of this book are deciding if you want to be RIGHT or if you want to be HAPPY? and that the lack you see in others creates more lack in yourself.
Getting in tune with yourself and being peaceful lets yourself off the hook, as well as others. We're all on an even playing field. Nobody is above or below you. There's a plan here, and your decision is to live in a constant state of fear and chaos, or instead accept there is a better way to live your life. The key here is that you can't live in both, or you'll continue spinning out of control
The choice literally is living in fear or living in love. And the good news is that it's all up to you.
I hope you had a wonderful weekend.
Love and light,
Abby
I found myself absolutely livid. I was superhero levels of angry. Unable to fall back asleep in my rage stage, I peeled myself out of bed and drove to Starbuck's to console myself with a hot latte and be angry on my porch for awhile.
I always tell people that as happy of a person I am, I too fall into traps of finding myself in victim mode. And in truth, today was one of those days. At least that's how it started.
I went in my room and starting digging for a journal to write in when a book over my head came off my shelf and whapped me square in the back of the head. I looked down it was a book called Spirit Junkie from Gabrielle Berstein. I had purchased this book earlier in the year and I realized I'd only gotten about 40 pages into it the last time I sat to read it. I'd finished my other favorite book on the planet, "You Are a Badass" earlier that same day and I was just "read-out" by that evening and never picked it up to finish it. I'd loved what I'd read and I even have the Spirit Junkie app on my iPhone, but I hadn't finished reading it cover to cover.
And isn't it funny that this book would intervene in my world today, literally with a smack on the head. HERE'S YOUR SIGN.
I've spent the last few months being very angry about certain aspects of my life. It's not that my life is bad, but there was a fundamental disconnect from myself that I literally had chosen to unplug. The realities of areas of my life were unpleasant, and ignoring/neglecting these aspects had festered into a jumbled existence of inner turmoil, personal stagnation, excessive vulnerability and paranoia, and a constant state of anxiety. I'd turned inward to distract from the things that were bothering me on the outside, and had internally painted myself into a corner. I was avoiding myself, all while trying to control outcomes. I've been exhausted and run down for weeks as a result.
The main things responsible were a vicious combination of fear and a lack of forgiveness. Not only in others, but in myself for past decisions, waning discretion, and moments where I'd gone against my better judgment and inner guiding voice to find temporary solutions and Band-aids to voids in my life. In short, there have been times where I have caused the leaks in own my sailboat and I was so busy using fear and deflection as justifications for my own turmoil that I stopped living in reality. I have been so focused on a sense that I'd continually been wronged that I fell deeply and blindly into victim mode. I clung to a desperate sense of ego and fear, handed my power over to others, and was lost in a fog that prevented me from seeing clearly. It's no wonder I've been in constant a sense of helpless, angry chaos. To top it off, I've been in a very cozy state of denial about many things in my life and not accepted responsibility for my role in them.
It literally took a book smacking some sense into me to intervene to release all of this and see myself, my life, and my purpose for what they are and not what my fear has limited it to be.
I sat on my balcony from about 10AM-5PM today and read Spirit Junkie. I can tell you right now that my day is completely different from committing to those hours and my willingness to be open to change and shifting perception. The problem usually isn't in other people. The problem is usually in you, your ability to perceive things, and your ability to forgive.
If you haven't read Spirit Junkie, you should. Go into it with an open mind about yourself and others. It's not about you being better than anyone else (in fact, the book drills that into you) in your ability to forgive other people and treat them with love, but it truly gives you a sense of peace and the ability to let things go and understand there is a purpose and power behind everything that's in your life. So much of your life is about your own perception and your CHOICE to see things that way. The main lessons of this book are deciding if you want to be RIGHT or if you want to be HAPPY? and that the lack you see in others creates more lack in yourself.
Getting in tune with yourself and being peaceful lets yourself off the hook, as well as others. We're all on an even playing field. Nobody is above or below you. There's a plan here, and your decision is to live in a constant state of fear and chaos, or instead accept there is a better way to live your life. The key here is that you can't live in both, or you'll continue spinning out of control
The choice literally is living in fear or living in love. And the good news is that it's all up to you.
I hope you had a wonderful weekend.
Love and light,
Abby
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