Vulnerabilty on Display. Can you do it?
So... what are you afraid of?
Are you brave enough to admit it out loud?
I don't mean logical things, like being murdered by a serial killer or being mugged in a dark alley. Those are things that can scare anyone.
I definitely know what mine is. The question is, do you?
My life is fabulous. So much of it has turned around in a short order, it's astonishing to me. I often find myself sitting on my balcony and thinking how different things are from a year ago. Even two years ago! It's insane. I'm so grateful. I have so much momentum going for me at the moment that it's difficult to keep my ducks in a row when I wake up.
I've grown much as a person and, frankly, as a soul. My purpose is definite and my source of joy is obvious to me now. I'm proud of the person I've become, come to terms with the decisions and parts of my past that I may not like so much, and helped some people along the way. That's pretty cool.
Still, there is one aspect of my life that I find that I am terrified of pursuing. Not that there aren't logical reasons for it, but as time marches on, I am finding I'm fighting myself more and more at different times. The more that I think about it, the more I resist.
And what is this terror that I fight?
Letting myself truly open up to a guy again. As it stands now, I simply can't do it. I'm on defense mode, big time. It sounds so stupid and it should be so easy for me (it used to be, believe me) but it's not anymore. Anyone who knows me well in real life has seen the long parade of heart-stomping and devastation that I've gone through the last few years, it has me on lockdown mode like I've never been. I genuinely have never had a problem opening up to people and for the mostpart, I can on any subject. But as it stands now, the maze that is my heart is not available to the general public and I have 10 miles of concrete around me.
Now... I am a firm believer in not living in victim mode. I definitely don't believe I'm a victim of any sort. The things I have been through the last 2 years or so have been as a result of my own decision making and I'm a firm believer that God's hand has something to do with it. I'm also a believer in not going out and "seeking" anything. I also don't believe in letting people have power over me, so this is a subject I ponder day in and day out.
I don't think this is about handing other people my power. It is, in fact, the opposite. This struggle I have is all in an effort to maintain my own level of power and self-discovery I've found. The cause of this is the realization that anytime I've shared myself/my own power, I've ended up at the bottom of a well on life-support in the end. I don't think I can bear that thought.
On one hand, I have people in my life telling me to never settle. On the other, there is the crowd begging me to settle. This is infuriating for me.
I think about this stuff a lot. I've realized a huge part of why I'm not dating (or looking) right now is that I also know exactly what I'm looking for. The right guy for me will not be chemically dependent. They'll have a vibrant social life and live with purpose. I don't want someone that is my clone. Their thirst for the betterment of themselves and others will be a life-long passion. Their self-belief will be overflowing. The kindness in their heart will be blinding. They'll take care of themselves and be passionate about their health and improving lives. The right guy will sparkle with life and hilarity, know how to make me laugh hysterically. I'll know it when I see it. As it stands, I haven't yet. I've met nice people. Just not the right one for me.
In the few times I've done the online dating thing, it's been either trainwrecks or guys that are nice. Just nice. Bland. No sparkle. Just nice. Boring. No imagination. Just... nice. In the past, I have a steady history of settling on things that are important to me in a person and it has blown up almost in my face. Sometimes not for years. So I'm not doing that anymore.
I'll know when it's the right time and person. As it stands... I'm just not ready yet. I waver constantly on these fronts and struggle with wondering if I'm just being selfish or unrealistic. My faith lies in knowing that the right person will bring down the walls and make it not seem terrifying. And that's where it lies tonight.
I'm sure you have things you ponder and you're fearful of. 2 years ago, it was being terrified that I'd never get my finances together and I'd never move on from the life I used to know. That's behind me now and I'm stronger for it. Our fears may shift and alter, but they never truly go away.
Be brave enough to admit them and figure out the complicated sequences of events that has lead to you the point on the path you're on right now. Have faith you'll find your way around the next turn.
Life won't change unless you're open to it. This includes myself. I promise you that whatever you're wrestling with right now, you aren't alone. I'll face mine if you faces yours.
Have a beautiful week.
~Abs
Are you brave enough to admit it out loud?
I don't mean logical things, like being murdered by a serial killer or being mugged in a dark alley. Those are things that can scare anyone.
I definitely know what mine is. The question is, do you?
My life is fabulous. So much of it has turned around in a short order, it's astonishing to me. I often find myself sitting on my balcony and thinking how different things are from a year ago. Even two years ago! It's insane. I'm so grateful. I have so much momentum going for me at the moment that it's difficult to keep my ducks in a row when I wake up.
I've grown much as a person and, frankly, as a soul. My purpose is definite and my source of joy is obvious to me now. I'm proud of the person I've become, come to terms with the decisions and parts of my past that I may not like so much, and helped some people along the way. That's pretty cool.
Still, there is one aspect of my life that I find that I am terrified of pursuing. Not that there aren't logical reasons for it, but as time marches on, I am finding I'm fighting myself more and more at different times. The more that I think about it, the more I resist.
And what is this terror that I fight?
Letting myself truly open up to a guy again. As it stands now, I simply can't do it. I'm on defense mode, big time. It sounds so stupid and it should be so easy for me (it used to be, believe me) but it's not anymore. Anyone who knows me well in real life has seen the long parade of heart-stomping and devastation that I've gone through the last few years, it has me on lockdown mode like I've never been. I genuinely have never had a problem opening up to people and for the mostpart, I can on any subject. But as it stands now, the maze that is my heart is not available to the general public and I have 10 miles of concrete around me.
Now... I am a firm believer in not living in victim mode. I definitely don't believe I'm a victim of any sort. The things I have been through the last 2 years or so have been as a result of my own decision making and I'm a firm believer that God's hand has something to do with it. I'm also a believer in not going out and "seeking" anything. I also don't believe in letting people have power over me, so this is a subject I ponder day in and day out.
I don't think this is about handing other people my power. It is, in fact, the opposite. This struggle I have is all in an effort to maintain my own level of power and self-discovery I've found. The cause of this is the realization that anytime I've shared myself/my own power, I've ended up at the bottom of a well on life-support in the end. I don't think I can bear that thought.
On one hand, I have people in my life telling me to never settle. On the other, there is the crowd begging me to settle. This is infuriating for me.
I think about this stuff a lot. I've realized a huge part of why I'm not dating (or looking) right now is that I also know exactly what I'm looking for. The right guy for me will not be chemically dependent. They'll have a vibrant social life and live with purpose. I don't want someone that is my clone. Their thirst for the betterment of themselves and others will be a life-long passion. Their self-belief will be overflowing. The kindness in their heart will be blinding. They'll take care of themselves and be passionate about their health and improving lives. The right guy will sparkle with life and hilarity, know how to make me laugh hysterically. I'll know it when I see it. As it stands, I haven't yet. I've met nice people. Just not the right one for me.
In the few times I've done the online dating thing, it's been either trainwrecks or guys that are nice. Just nice. Bland. No sparkle. Just nice. Boring. No imagination. Just... nice. In the past, I have a steady history of settling on things that are important to me in a person and it has blown up almost in my face. Sometimes not for years. So I'm not doing that anymore.
I'll know when it's the right time and person. As it stands... I'm just not ready yet. I waver constantly on these fronts and struggle with wondering if I'm just being selfish or unrealistic. My faith lies in knowing that the right person will bring down the walls and make it not seem terrifying. And that's where it lies tonight.
I'm sure you have things you ponder and you're fearful of. 2 years ago, it was being terrified that I'd never get my finances together and I'd never move on from the life I used to know. That's behind me now and I'm stronger for it. Our fears may shift and alter, but they never truly go away.
Be brave enough to admit them and figure out the complicated sequences of events that has lead to you the point on the path you're on right now. Have faith you'll find your way around the next turn.
Life won't change unless you're open to it. This includes myself. I promise you that whatever you're wrestling with right now, you aren't alone. I'll face mine if you faces yours.
Have a beautiful week.
~Abs
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