Being Nice Isn't Enough
This is going to go down a different avenue than my blogs normally pursue. In general I stick to fitness and life on the whole, but I'm going to hit a different path today and talk about relationships (friendships or dating).
I have always been an extremely nice, outgoing, trusting person. Ask my parents. As a little kid I would wander up to any stranger and talk to them, and I had no qualms going up to any strange dog and offering it my face with the pure, blind trust of the innocent little kid I was.
While I got wiser with age in terms of realizing talking to strangers isn't always a great plan and some dogs WOULD happily eat me for dinner, I continued carrying the naivete of "Because I operate this way, everyone must operate this way" well into my adulthood.
The golden rule is something I have always intrinsically and instinctively lived by. I don't think this is a bad thing for the mostpart, but that is not to say that it hasn't hindered me numerous times in the past.
I've always been wired to socially not rock the boat, or at least avoid it as much as possible. If there is a conflict, I'm usually the mediator that steps in to find resolution. I'm the peacemaker. In the past, this often meant that I would end up sacrificing myself and my own sanity in order to find some semblance of a form of peace. All I cared about was if it meant that everyone else would be happy.
When I was around 15 years old, I saw someone getting interviewed on TV and the jist of their point to the journalist was "Well surely if someone loves someone else, even if you hate them, they must have something good inside of them that you missed."
That stuck with me for a long time, I carried it well into my twenties. That, coupled with my very heavy involvement with church in high school and the teachings of forgiveness, ended up becoming a bit of an unconscious mantra that I carried into friendships and relationships. Looking back now, I can definitely say that this was not a good quality it ultimately and it caused me much heartache and disappointment for about 15 years of my life. What that celebrity interview DIDN'T say was anything about BOUNDARIES.
Ultimately, my ability to only see the good in people got me in trouble many, many times. What do I mean by that? Toxic relationships G A L O R E. Poisonous, selfish, manipulative, awful people came to me like a magnet, particularly when I was younger.
Why?
Because I would turn a blind eye to toxic behavior and focus only on the good stuff. I honestly think that when I was in my teens, I probably could have tuned out common sense and found the good in a serial killer if you asked me to. "Yes, he stabbed a bunch of people but he's soooooooo nice to his mother on the phone."
I had a friend who was fun to be around, we laughed a lot, and we were extremely close. And if there was an opportunity to screw me over to do what she wanted instead, she would take it every time. My mother would pull her hair out wondering why on earth I kept forgiving her. I just thought it was the right thing to do. I mean, she wasn't in a "bad" crowd. She had a good GPA, was in a lot of the same sports I was in, we had many mutual friends, and she came from a nice family. That was all I focused on. I did not, however, pay attention to any of the stuff that actually mattered. She was extremely selfish, judgmental, cruel, backstabbing, and extremely unsupportive/critical of pretty much anything about me. But, she would pick me up for Perkins and sometimes she let me borrow her clothes, so that made it okay, right?
Of course not. But that was the 18 year old version of me. This is someone who is no longer in my life. I finally gave her the boot when after getting my degree, she told me I was going to end up in the gutter and she was disappointed in me because I decided I was going to go back to school for cosmetology. I don't wish ill on her at all. I'm grateful for the good times. But to say that our contact has been minimal is an understatement.
I realized around that time I had somehow CHOSE to wire to be TOO forgiving. By 23, I started to realize that I had allowed myself to become a total doormat, all in the name of being peaceful and trying to focus solely on the good of others. I didn't even have a grasp on what *I* wanted, what made *ME* thrive in any kind of relationship (friendship or romantic), and zero sense of personal boundaries.
You can only imagine how this translated into my dating life and how easy it was to manipulate me. I look back at some of the crap I used to put with now and I laugh. What a naive girl I was. Holy crap I was the biggest pushover on the planet.
I vividly remember that I wanted to celebrate an educational achievement with someone I had been dating for a few years. All I wanted to do was go to my favorite local bar and see my favorite local band. That was it. The guy I was dating at the time was so rude about it, that his idea of negotiating was "We can go, but we have to sit in the back, you have to pay for my cover and drinks, you have to drive, you're not allowed to dance, and you can't talk to any of your friends." To him, that was a compromise.
AND I LET THAT SLIDE.
After all, he loved me. He had a great family and a lot of friends, he showered me in gifts. No matter that he was extremely controlling and unreasonable. The night was supposed to be about celebrating my achievement and it all became about him. All in the name of peace, right?
This is now HILARIOUS to me at 32 years old.
Sometimes you end up going through your life's roster and begin kicking out players. I did that at 23, 27, and 30. If you're having a hard time deciding who belongs in your life and who doesn't, here are a few guidelines:
These are very simple filters to apply to people.
Forget that they saved a bunch of bunnies from a fire in 2001. Forget that they helped someone on the side of the road change a spare tire. That does not cancel out the fact that they stood you up last week. Just because someone held a door open for an elderly woman last week else does NOT mean that it's no big deal that they never respect you enough to return phone calls or text messages. Just because their mom loves them doesn't mean you have to figure out why and see them that way too.
Having a shiny, glorious past does not mean they're good for your life RIGHT NOW. What are they contributing to your life TODAY?
Being mostly nice (either you to others or them to you) is not enough. Anyone can take, but not everyone can give. Some people can only give but would rather die than take. Either extreme is the definition of not good.
Stop looking for solely the good in people and completely drowning out your logic. This isn't about judgment or about you being better than anyone else (or them being better than you). Does this person's intentions and honesty match your own? If not, give em the boot.
Instead of looking at someone's nice behaviors and words, look at their intentions instead. Do they match?
The golden rule is fabulous. Definitely treat people the way that you want to be treated. The caveat is, the moment that behavior consistently stops, give them the pink slip and send them on their way. Don't tolerate disrespect and crappiness by sacrificing your own happiness. Draw your boundaries.
If you find yourself saying "I know that this person XYZ (insert hideous behavior), BUT _______" then stop yourself right there. There is no but. There should never be a but.
There's a huge difference between being forgiving and being a pushover. I don't have a temper. I don't hold grudges. But I also don't put up with anyone's shit, and neither should you.
Loving others is fabulous, but loving yourself enough to know who belongs in your life and who doesn't is even more important. Remember that in the tapestry of your life, YOU get to choose the threads that weave the patterns.
Love and light,
Abby
I have always been an extremely nice, outgoing, trusting person. Ask my parents. As a little kid I would wander up to any stranger and talk to them, and I had no qualms going up to any strange dog and offering it my face with the pure, blind trust of the innocent little kid I was.
While I got wiser with age in terms of realizing talking to strangers isn't always a great plan and some dogs WOULD happily eat me for dinner, I continued carrying the naivete of "Because I operate this way, everyone must operate this way" well into my adulthood.
The golden rule is something I have always intrinsically and instinctively lived by. I don't think this is a bad thing for the mostpart, but that is not to say that it hasn't hindered me numerous times in the past.
I've always been wired to socially not rock the boat, or at least avoid it as much as possible. If there is a conflict, I'm usually the mediator that steps in to find resolution. I'm the peacemaker. In the past, this often meant that I would end up sacrificing myself and my own sanity in order to find some semblance of a form of peace. All I cared about was if it meant that everyone else would be happy.
When I was around 15 years old, I saw someone getting interviewed on TV and the jist of their point to the journalist was "Well surely if someone loves someone else, even if you hate them, they must have something good inside of them that you missed."
That stuck with me for a long time, I carried it well into my twenties. That, coupled with my very heavy involvement with church in high school and the teachings of forgiveness, ended up becoming a bit of an unconscious mantra that I carried into friendships and relationships. Looking back now, I can definitely say that this was not a good quality it ultimately and it caused me much heartache and disappointment for about 15 years of my life. What that celebrity interview DIDN'T say was anything about BOUNDARIES.
Ultimately, my ability to only see the good in people got me in trouble many, many times. What do I mean by that? Toxic relationships G A L O R E. Poisonous, selfish, manipulative, awful people came to me like a magnet, particularly when I was younger.
Why?
Because I would turn a blind eye to toxic behavior and focus only on the good stuff. I honestly think that when I was in my teens, I probably could have tuned out common sense and found the good in a serial killer if you asked me to. "Yes, he stabbed a bunch of people but he's soooooooo nice to his mother on the phone."
I had a friend who was fun to be around, we laughed a lot, and we were extremely close. And if there was an opportunity to screw me over to do what she wanted instead, she would take it every time. My mother would pull her hair out wondering why on earth I kept forgiving her. I just thought it was the right thing to do. I mean, she wasn't in a "bad" crowd. She had a good GPA, was in a lot of the same sports I was in, we had many mutual friends, and she came from a nice family. That was all I focused on. I did not, however, pay attention to any of the stuff that actually mattered. She was extremely selfish, judgmental, cruel, backstabbing, and extremely unsupportive/critical of pretty much anything about me. But, she would pick me up for Perkins and sometimes she let me borrow her clothes, so that made it okay, right?
Of course not. But that was the 18 year old version of me. This is someone who is no longer in my life. I finally gave her the boot when after getting my degree, she told me I was going to end up in the gutter and she was disappointed in me because I decided I was going to go back to school for cosmetology. I don't wish ill on her at all. I'm grateful for the good times. But to say that our contact has been minimal is an understatement.
I realized around that time I had somehow CHOSE to wire to be TOO forgiving. By 23, I started to realize that I had allowed myself to become a total doormat, all in the name of being peaceful and trying to focus solely on the good of others. I didn't even have a grasp on what *I* wanted, what made *ME* thrive in any kind of relationship (friendship or romantic), and zero sense of personal boundaries.
You can only imagine how this translated into my dating life and how easy it was to manipulate me. I look back at some of the crap I used to put with now and I laugh. What a naive girl I was. Holy crap I was the biggest pushover on the planet.
I vividly remember that I wanted to celebrate an educational achievement with someone I had been dating for a few years. All I wanted to do was go to my favorite local bar and see my favorite local band. That was it. The guy I was dating at the time was so rude about it, that his idea of negotiating was "We can go, but we have to sit in the back, you have to pay for my cover and drinks, you have to drive, you're not allowed to dance, and you can't talk to any of your friends." To him, that was a compromise.
AND I LET THAT SLIDE.
After all, he loved me. He had a great family and a lot of friends, he showered me in gifts. No matter that he was extremely controlling and unreasonable. The night was supposed to be about celebrating my achievement and it all became about him. All in the name of peace, right?
This is now HILARIOUS to me at 32 years old.
Sometimes you end up going through your life's roster and begin kicking out players. I did that at 23, 27, and 30. If you're having a hard time deciding who belongs in your life and who doesn't, here are a few guidelines:
- Does this person energize or drain you?
- Is everything in your relationship (how often you hang out and when) equal or do they try to make it central to their convenience and comfort level?
- Can you be your true self around them- good or bad?
- Do they respect your opinion? ("No thanks, I don't want another drink", "OH COME ON, DON'T BE SUCH A WUSS. ITS ONE MORE DRINK")
- Are you allowed to express negative emotions or do you feel like you have to repress them?
- When they call you, are you excited to see their name on your screen or is your response to seeing it,"Ugh, I DON'T have the energy to deal with you right now"?
- Does this person give and take EQUALLY?
- Do they support your goals, even if they don't understand them, and vice-versa?
- Does this person function as an anchor or rocket fuel in your life?
- Does this person truly care about your happiness or do they tell you it's your perception problem that you're unhappy in your friendship or relationship with them?
- Does this person only want to hang out with you if there is alcohol involved? (I'll tell you what, when I got into competing, about 3/4 of the people I considered friends evaporated once I couldn't drink anymore.)
- In terms of dating, does this person only want to hang out if it's 11PM or later? As in you have NEVER seen each other during reasonable human hours?
These are very simple filters to apply to people.
Forget that they saved a bunch of bunnies from a fire in 2001. Forget that they helped someone on the side of the road change a spare tire. That does not cancel out the fact that they stood you up last week. Just because someone held a door open for an elderly woman last week else does NOT mean that it's no big deal that they never respect you enough to return phone calls or text messages. Just because their mom loves them doesn't mean you have to figure out why and see them that way too.
Having a shiny, glorious past does not mean they're good for your life RIGHT NOW. What are they contributing to your life TODAY?
Being mostly nice (either you to others or them to you) is not enough. Anyone can take, but not everyone can give. Some people can only give but would rather die than take. Either extreme is the definition of not good.
Stop looking for solely the good in people and completely drowning out your logic. This isn't about judgment or about you being better than anyone else (or them being better than you). Does this person's intentions and honesty match your own? If not, give em the boot.
Instead of looking at someone's nice behaviors and words, look at their intentions instead. Do they match?
The golden rule is fabulous. Definitely treat people the way that you want to be treated. The caveat is, the moment that behavior consistently stops, give them the pink slip and send them on their way. Don't tolerate disrespect and crappiness by sacrificing your own happiness. Draw your boundaries.
If you find yourself saying "I know that this person XYZ (insert hideous behavior), BUT _______" then stop yourself right there. There is no but. There should never be a but.
There's a huge difference between being forgiving and being a pushover. I don't have a temper. I don't hold grudges. But I also don't put up with anyone's shit, and neither should you.
Loving others is fabulous, but loving yourself enough to know who belongs in your life and who doesn't is even more important. Remember that in the tapestry of your life, YOU get to choose the threads that weave the patterns.
Love and light,
Abby
Once again...wise words.
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