Breaking Through the Amnesia

I go through ruts like anyone else does. It's pretty standard practice for me to do a show and burn out on fitness for a few months. I've done enough shows to know what to expect at this point and even though I get frustrated with myself, I know myself well enough to trust that I will get back on the full blown fitness wagon.

In general the pattern goes as follows:

·         Train and diet my ass of for 3-4 months

·         Do a show

·         Come back and "be good" for 1-1.5 weeks

·         Start going back to "normal people" events like bars on the weekends or happy hours after work (enter mixed drinks, wine, and bar food)

·         Miss the gym more often, come home and veg out after work instead of training

·         Eat less because I'm sick of cooking

·         Go out to eat more often

·         Catch up with friends and reconnect since I fall off the map to a degree when I'm in show mode

·         Feel horrendously guilty about my inactivity and not eating enough

·         Try to pep talk myself into buckling down again

This is all spread out over months at a time. But it is pretty detrimental to my physique and my self-esteem.

And suddenly I'm up 12-15 lbs from contest weight. Oopsie scroodles.

This has been my cycle since I started getting on stage at age 26. I'm 31 now. I liken this phenomenon to trying to pull the cord on a lawn mower but just not getting the engine to start. Over and over again. Pull, pull, pull, no result. Pulling til you're exhausted and angry. Walk away, come back, pull, pull, pull, no engine turnover.

How. Damn. Frustrating.

Emotionally and mentally, this is what it's usually like for me. But I always know deep down I will get it going again. I trust myself. I have my "blah" times (anyone I've dated has seen me go through it and those close to me see it too) but I always come back for more when it's time.

And a few days ago, I got the right pull at the right time and got the engine fired up.

There's a level of joyful empowerment and fulfillment that I can't articulate when you make the decision to buckle down and you follow through. I've had a tremendous amount of stress the last few months; dating, my car, money, finding a new place to live that I can call my own. It's just been like holding my breath for an extended period of time. The storm has passed and the skies look sunny. It's a great time in my life!

And it's funny because I somehow forget things even though I did them not that long ago. It feels like coming out of a coma or breaking through amnesia. Like "oh DUH, I forgot this part." I forget how good a stretch feels or that wonderful, warm hum of your metabolism firing up after a good workout. I forget how much I appreciate ice cold water from a water bottle (I usually drink it room temp) and how good freshly steamed brown rice tastes. I also forget how quickly my body responds to a clean diet and training after only a matter of days.

My moods are better, my sleep is better, my anxiety is better. Really, it feels a lot like being reunited with an old friend. I've only been back on it all for four days and I feel amazing. Absolutely amazing. Lighter in my feet, dancing like an idiot in my car, just obnoxiously chipper and positive.

Why, oh why, do I burn out so badly? Overtraining? That's part of it. I haven't got it pegged quite yet. It might be burnout. It could be seeing people I know are using steroids in natural organizations being rewarded for it. It's discouraging as a natural athlete to think about going against women who are on different drugs and not being caught. I don't care about people using steroids; but that's what the IFBB/NPC is for. Not the natural shows that I do. It leaves me feeling like my only option is to cheat in order to place, and that's not worth it to me. How dumb do people think we are? Do they think we don't notice the audible voice drop, mood swings, horrible skin, thinning hair, facial changes, and sudden 20 lb increase of muscle on a woman? Additionally there is so much competition and toxicity in the fitness industry that I just emotionally burn the hell out. There are people I just flat-out don't want to see because of the bully-pulpit factor and terrible sportsmanship. I don't have time or patience for it. I don't. I hate that people walk around seeing everyone else as a potential threat instead of seeing competing as "hey, we have this in common, we should be friends." There are so many elements that go into my level of "blah" that it's hard to put my finger on the one specific cause. I think it's just a multi-faceted issue.

The good news is I always beat this feeling of woe and discouragement.

Make a list of your goals. Look at them every day. Get excited about them. Believe in your vision and be your own biggest cheerleader. Forget about the people who have issues with you and focus on yourself. Treat your diet and training like it's your JOB, because it is! You only get one body. If you are willing and able/mobile, you should be striving towards a better version of yourself every day. Only you get the say in what foods in your system and how much you move. 30 minutes a day is plenty, you don't need to slave away at the gym for 2 hours at a time. Train and exercise for you and only you. Not for attention. Not for validation. Not for compliment-seeking. Not to improve your dating life or attract someone to you or for bragging rights. Train because it's good for your body and your soul. Train to movitate people around you. Train because you LOVE it. Nothing else matters! And trust me, people can tell the difference between people who are fit for the love and challenge of it and those who are out there for compliment-fishing/superficial purposes. Train for the right reasons. Compete for the right reasons. It's so much more rewarding.

Ultimately, this is the truth.

Have faith in your ability to bounce back and break out of your amnesia. Surround yourself with people who won't allow you to go backwards more than a few steps.

Have a wonderful Monday. :)
Abby