Spoiler alert: You need Boundaries. Like NOW.
Being a proud Minnesotan, I can tell you that we are some of the most accommodating and generous people you'll ever meet. I can't think of a single person here that won't go out of their way to do something nice or help someone else out in times of need. Being selfless is good for everyone involved. It's the right thing to do and it's always a positive to help make someone else's life a little easier.
There is a detriment to this though (and I particularly notice it in Midwestern people): A total lack of boundaries. I had this discussion with a friend yesterday and I decided it would be a good thing to address in a blog.
When I talk about boundaries, I'm not talking about personal space. Most people are excellent and not treading into someone's personal bubble of comfort. I have yet to be a coffee shop and have a weirdo come up and sit in my lap and stare at me. Emotionally, however, boundaries don't exist with many people and it's a real problem.
I had absolutely no clue what this looked like for me until I was about 28 years old. I sought out a counselor to deal with some major life/family upheaval at the time and ended up delving into all kinds of stuff from my past, all of which pointed out a pattern in my life: no understanding of what I wanted or needed in a romantic relationship or normal friendship, and a complete lack of personal, emotional boundaries. I was so accustomed to keeping the boat from rocking, keeping my mouth shut, and playing the good girl/caretaker that I had absolutely zero idea what the hell *I* needed.
What did this look like in practice?
Self-sacrificing and giving to other people until I basically felt lost and empty. Particularly, bending over backwards in friendships and romantic relationships with no thought of my own needs or boundaries. It shouldn't be a shock that I had a long, steady history of flaky friends and completely unhealthy relationships in my early 20s. I opened up and handed my heart on platter to everyone, including my vulnerabilities, which made me extremely easy to manipulate and take advantage of. I was stringing myself up as a puppet for people and didn't even realize it. Looking back now, it is a comical and embarrassing series of obvious patterns.
Boundaries are completely necessary if you want any semblance of a normal human brain and normal connections to people. Being from the Midwest, it's crucial. What do I mean by this? I'm from a state where you bite your tongue and walk on eggshells to accommodate another person's needs or feelings. "Minnesota Nice" is not a fictional thing. What Minnesota Nice usually means is "passive-aggressive" and "TOO ACCOMMODATING". Everyone is terrified of offending or hurting everyone else's feelings. We are overly-apologetic. I actually didn't notice how often I unnecessarily say "I'm sorry" until I recently started dating someone and he pointed it out. It is SO ingrained in the culture here that it's no wonder that we're neighbors to Canada. We sound just like 'em! :)
This isn't always a bad thing. But when it comes to your social and emotional health, it's crucial to recognize.
What do healthy boundaries look like? Easy.
Prior to 28, these weren't even things I thought about. I thought staring at my phone for a text message was completely sane. Overlooking chemical problems that interfered with one's ability to drive, work, or how they treated me ("He didn't mean to say those awful things, he was just drunk") was not my business and it wasn't my place to judge. I thought it was normal to shower someone I cared about in gifts and not have them really give a crap. I took absolutely everything and everything personally if it didn't follow the script in my mind because I had projected so much meaning into every damn thing. If a guy stood me up for a date, all it took was a text message apology and I would cave and forgive them.
In other words, I was a college-educated, spineless idiot until I was 28.
I see way too many single people, especially women, explaining away horrific behaviors and treatment from people who are supposed to be their friends or romantic partners. These people will absolutely steamroll them and despite being upset, these women and men will not stand up for themselves for fear of offending the other person or hurting their feelings. This is not being emotionally honest and DEFINITELY not emotionally healthy. And it also becomes a never-ending cycle of being upset, disappointed, and left feeling used and empty. This also leads to avoidance tendencies in confrontation, either by never acknowledging or addressing the issues themselves or only by doing it behind the comfort of a computer or smart phone screen. Technology has made it extremely easy to never deal with people or resolve the issues. Instead, they usually fester and it turns into a gigantic blowout or someone disappears.
I'm 32 now. If something is of concern to me, I address it with someone. If I see a red flag about a behavior, I have a talk with the person in question. If there is a behavior I won't put up with (being flaked out on, rudeness, hazy communication, wishy-washy emotional direction, a lack of respect), there is a discussion. Why? Because I value my time and where I'm placing my energy. I'm a lot of things, but doormat is not one of them.
Boundaries aren't rude. If things look hazy or are in the gray zone, it's not good. It's pretty easy to make things black and white. Boundaries make you and others see you value yourself and open communication.
No boundaries just teaches people they can treat you however they want, when they want, with no consequence .If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I'm a big fan of a man named Mark Mason. He write amazing blogs with lots of vulgar language, which is completely my style. One of his themes is:
"If you wouldn't tolerate it in your best friend, why would you tolerate it in a partner?"
Would you tolerate flakiness, disrespect, emotional abuse, unreliability, selfishness, rudeness, and unhealthy behaviors in your best friend?
No?
Then why would you from ANYONE ELSE you meet, romantically or otherwise?!
Figure out what you need to be happy. Figure out what things you absolutely can and cannot tolerate in people. Drama only exists in your life if you choose to participate in it or have it in your life in the first place.
You're amazing. If someone can't see and treat you that way, see ya. If they're cool with hitting you with a train and disappointing YOU consistently, why on earth would you care if standing up for yourself and drawing a "OH HELL NO" boundary offends them? Screw it.
Boundaries are normal.
Boundaries are healthy.
Boundaries form an outline of your character and who you are at your core.
Draw your lines wisely and with love for yourself.
I still love helping people. I absolutely love doing selfless stuff. I love giving gifts and doing surprises for people. The difference is, I only do those things for people who appreciate the gestures now. I don't have to hand my heart over on a platter. I hold my cards much closer than I used to, because it's HEALTHY to not spill everything down to your soul right away. I've learned trust life's timing and not put up with crap. You should too.
Love and light,
Abby
There is a detriment to this though (and I particularly notice it in Midwestern people): A total lack of boundaries. I had this discussion with a friend yesterday and I decided it would be a good thing to address in a blog.
When I talk about boundaries, I'm not talking about personal space. Most people are excellent and not treading into someone's personal bubble of comfort. I have yet to be a coffee shop and have a weirdo come up and sit in my lap and stare at me. Emotionally, however, boundaries don't exist with many people and it's a real problem.
I had absolutely no clue what this looked like for me until I was about 28 years old. I sought out a counselor to deal with some major life/family upheaval at the time and ended up delving into all kinds of stuff from my past, all of which pointed out a pattern in my life: no understanding of what I wanted or needed in a romantic relationship or normal friendship, and a complete lack of personal, emotional boundaries. I was so accustomed to keeping the boat from rocking, keeping my mouth shut, and playing the good girl/caretaker that I had absolutely zero idea what the hell *I* needed.
What did this look like in practice?
Self-sacrificing and giving to other people until I basically felt lost and empty. Particularly, bending over backwards in friendships and romantic relationships with no thought of my own needs or boundaries. It shouldn't be a shock that I had a long, steady history of flaky friends and completely unhealthy relationships in my early 20s. I opened up and handed my heart on platter to everyone, including my vulnerabilities, which made me extremely easy to manipulate and take advantage of. I was stringing myself up as a puppet for people and didn't even realize it. Looking back now, it is a comical and embarrassing series of obvious patterns.
Boundaries are completely necessary if you want any semblance of a normal human brain and normal connections to people. Being from the Midwest, it's crucial. What do I mean by this? I'm from a state where you bite your tongue and walk on eggshells to accommodate another person's needs or feelings. "Minnesota Nice" is not a fictional thing. What Minnesota Nice usually means is "passive-aggressive" and "TOO ACCOMMODATING". Everyone is terrified of offending or hurting everyone else's feelings. We are overly-apologetic. I actually didn't notice how often I unnecessarily say "I'm sorry" until I recently started dating someone and he pointed it out. It is SO ingrained in the culture here that it's no wonder that we're neighbors to Canada. We sound just like 'em! :)
This isn't always a bad thing. But when it comes to your social and emotional health, it's crucial to recognize.
What do healthy boundaries look like? Easy.
- Knowing what behaviors and attitude you can and cannot stand. I'm not saying tolerate. You shouldn't have anyone in your life that you have to TOLERATE.
- Can you point out red flags and trust your gut instincts?
- Are you good at identifying behaviors that make your stomach churn or do you dismiss away to be nice?
- When it comes to your relationship with someone (friends or otherwise), is the effort and the communication 50/50 or are you doing most of the work?
- If you're going to spend time with someone, is it 50/50 planning or 100% based on their schedule and convenience?
- If you're upset or uncomfortable about something, do to feel emotionally safe and comfortable enough to have a normal discussion about it as adults?
- Are you calm if someone doesn't text or email you back right away?
- Are you letting things go with the flow or are you projecting or forcing too much expectation into friendships or partnerships?
- Do you understand other people's point of views and opinions, or do you take everything personally?
Prior to 28, these weren't even things I thought about. I thought staring at my phone for a text message was completely sane. Overlooking chemical problems that interfered with one's ability to drive, work, or how they treated me ("He didn't mean to say those awful things, he was just drunk") was not my business and it wasn't my place to judge. I thought it was normal to shower someone I cared about in gifts and not have them really give a crap. I took absolutely everything and everything personally if it didn't follow the script in my mind because I had projected so much meaning into every damn thing. If a guy stood me up for a date, all it took was a text message apology and I would cave and forgive them.
In other words, I was a college-educated, spineless idiot until I was 28.
I see way too many single people, especially women, explaining away horrific behaviors and treatment from people who are supposed to be their friends or romantic partners. These people will absolutely steamroll them and despite being upset, these women and men will not stand up for themselves for fear of offending the other person or hurting their feelings. This is not being emotionally honest and DEFINITELY not emotionally healthy. And it also becomes a never-ending cycle of being upset, disappointed, and left feeling used and empty. This also leads to avoidance tendencies in confrontation, either by never acknowledging or addressing the issues themselves or only by doing it behind the comfort of a computer or smart phone screen. Technology has made it extremely easy to never deal with people or resolve the issues. Instead, they usually fester and it turns into a gigantic blowout or someone disappears.
I'm 32 now. If something is of concern to me, I address it with someone. If I see a red flag about a behavior, I have a talk with the person in question. If there is a behavior I won't put up with (being flaked out on, rudeness, hazy communication, wishy-washy emotional direction, a lack of respect), there is a discussion. Why? Because I value my time and where I'm placing my energy. I'm a lot of things, but doormat is not one of them.
Boundaries aren't rude. If things look hazy or are in the gray zone, it's not good. It's pretty easy to make things black and white. Boundaries make you and others see you value yourself and open communication.
No boundaries just teaches people they can treat you however they want, when they want, with no consequence .If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I'm a big fan of a man named Mark Mason. He write amazing blogs with lots of vulgar language, which is completely my style. One of his themes is:
"If you wouldn't tolerate it in your best friend, why would you tolerate it in a partner?"
Would you tolerate flakiness, disrespect, emotional abuse, unreliability, selfishness, rudeness, and unhealthy behaviors in your best friend?
No?
Then why would you from ANYONE ELSE you meet, romantically or otherwise?!
Figure out what you need to be happy. Figure out what things you absolutely can and cannot tolerate in people. Drama only exists in your life if you choose to participate in it or have it in your life in the first place.
You're amazing. If someone can't see and treat you that way, see ya. If they're cool with hitting you with a train and disappointing YOU consistently, why on earth would you care if standing up for yourself and drawing a "OH HELL NO" boundary offends them? Screw it.
Boundaries are normal.
Boundaries are healthy.
Boundaries form an outline of your character and who you are at your core.
Draw your lines wisely and with love for yourself.
I still love helping people. I absolutely love doing selfless stuff. I love giving gifts and doing surprises for people. The difference is, I only do those things for people who appreciate the gestures now. I don't have to hand my heart over on a platter. I hold my cards much closer than I used to, because it's HEALTHY to not spill everything down to your soul right away. I've learned trust life's timing and not put up with crap. You should too.
Love and light,
Abby
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