My name is Abby. Who are you?

I've been at this whole fitness thing long enough that I'm starting to see things and all my endeavors from the last 4ish years pay off.

How do I know this is happening?

• Writing for bigger and better publications every year.
• Working with bigger and better photographers every year.
• Getting recognized from fitness stuff when I'm out and about at bars.
• Emails from strangers, either with thank you for something I've written, or emails written in random scorn. (hey, whatever, you put yourself out to the public and that's gonna happen sometimes.)
• Emails from weird guys trying to ask me out and boasting of their money/things or treating me like I'm some kind of hooker.

And for the mostpart, it's a good thing. I love fitness and I love my life.

Here's the secret: The real secret. Pssssst, lean in closer.

The internet, facebook, message boards?

It's all an illusion.

The internet is a fabulous marketing tool. It allows you to build a brand in whatever capacity you choose to. It's free. It's perfect. It's amazing. But it's still the internet. ;)

These mediums have allowed me to build my own brand and image:

And frankly, that's amazing. I cannot imagine for the life of me trying to accomplish the things I'm doing right now without social media and the internet. Technology is truly a gift. If I were Amish, I'd be screwed for the dreams I have and I'd probably churning butter on a porch somewhere. Technology is, without question, incredible and made SO MANY of the things I have in my life possible. But it's all an interface to perpetuate an illusion.

People are often surprised to find out that modeling actually COSTS me money. I rarely make money doing it. "Why would you pay for shoots?", you may ask. For marketing, as mentioned above. Nobody is going to give a flying crap about reading the things I submit for publication if I don't have a face and a story to tell. If I don't have a voice and I don't have photographs of my journey, it gets lost in the shuffle. There are a million people who love fitness out there just as much as I do, with varying degrees of success and a vast array of different talents. Mine just happens to be writing. I've been obsessed and gifted with writing since I was a kid. I'm grateful for that tool because it's given me the opportunity to reach out to so many people. I love it.

You might think that I have some kind of fast-paced supermodel life. You may think I'm up to my eyeballs in awesomeness, swimming in my swimming pool of money like Scrooge McDuck, and that I travel/do amazing things all the time.

People think these things because of images like this:

And I have done some amazing things I'm proud of in my life. No question. I am doing things now that if you would have told me 10, 15 years ago that I'd be doing, I'd probably have laughed at you! I'm serious! Anyone who knew me from high school or college can validate this for you: Fitness was NEVER on my radar. But how many good things in life are truly planned?

Is the image above me? Sure! That's not photoshopped, that's a clean image. (What's up, Paul Buceta?) I had a blast at that shoot. And it captures my personality without question.  Does it tell my whole story? Absolutely not. Could you ever possibly assess my character, personality, belief system or who I am to my core based on that picture?

Of course not.

But guess what? People do it all the time. And again, I get it. I'm out there. I have chosen to put myself in the public eye and give people access to parts of my life. And some people are just going to judge me for it. That's okay. I'm not that worried about what people who want to tear me apart think in the first place.

Published/Branded Abby: Polished, serious, stoic.

The real Abby: Do I really need to say anything here?

What's my point in writing this?

I'm just like you- no better, no worse.

I, like you, have many struggles. I have many fears and doubts. Did you really think you were alone? Think I have my whole life in order? I don't. I'm still trying to figure out my life here, folks!

What would you say if I told you that I have a super fun anxiety disorder that makes me refuse to get my mail? How about if I told you I have become the MASTER of pencilling in my eyebrows since I was about 18 years old because I inadvertently pull them out with my fingers when I'm anxious?

Anyone else out there have a totally stupid, irrational fear of bees? If so, high fives.

Think I don't have cellulite? Breakouts? Stretch marks? WRONG!

But all of that reality gets lost in the polished images... doesn't it?

I'm going to completely honest with you right now. The last year has been a total frickin' rollercoaster. I am all over the place on a given day or week. Overall, I'm a happy, positive person. I'm selfless and loving. I'm a silver-linings kind of a girl. I can spot the bright spots through the rain. I'm very even-keeled. I don't have a temper. I'm not vengeful. I'm incredibly sensitive. I'm also probably the silliest person you'll ever meet. But you know what? I have my moments of weakness and suffering.

And this was me, absolutely anguished today.

I have been coping with the end of a 4 year relationship since September. It's been rough. It's gotten easier, but it's been tough. I'm alone a lot. Dating has been a nightmare I could sell to Hollywood as a movie plot. My life is not anywhere I thought it would be at this stage. My direction and life compass feel completely askew. I'm a little disoriented as a human being right now. My adjustment is slow. My grief sometimes borders on unbearable. But I accept it as a lesson. This can't be something that paralyzes me for life. It is what it is. And I don't harbor resentment towards him for it. He's a good man. Apparently just not the right one for me, disappointing as it is.

Sadly enough, guys, another one of the compromises in putting myself out in the public eye is I really am not allowed to show many moments of weakness. After all, who wants to see pictures like the one I just posted when you can see a finalized, smiling image in a swimsuit? And as a result, the humanity and real identity of who I am gets completely lost in the shuffle because of social media. I have, in essence, bound my own hands. I usually end up biting my tongue, grinning, and bearing it. People are counting on me to be a positive influence in their life. The other stuff isn't what I've put myself out there for, so my vents are meant for myself and a select few who are close to me.

Fear and the unknown are powerful forces in the psyche of mankind. They're paralyzing. They're scary. They're... gross. We're all fearful of something. We're all out there as wounded warriors in some capacity, grappling with some kind of issue that control us day to day. But I don't believe that's how you or I should live, do you?

What are you dealing with right now? What fear and pain are you carrying with you? Worse, which fears control you? Maybe yours is a divorce. Maybe yours is a trauma from your past that you've been putting off dealing with because it's too scary to face. Maybe you're in the broken heart club with me and you're trying to figure out what to do with yourself next and how to turn the page. Perhaps you have a terrifying financial situation looming over your head and you are just avoiding it.

My challenge to myself this summer is to get out of my comfort zone even more than I've been before. This includes facing many of the fears and anxieties I deal with day to day. I tend to be pretty honest and introspective with myself.  I get who I am. I get how I tick. I get how I've gotten to the places I've been in my life at this point-- pushing through fear, taking risks, and being who I am. I truly do. The question is, where am I going and what is my game plan to get there?

I haven't quite figured it out yet. My life isn't perfect. It never will be. A perfect life would be so boring though, wouldn't it? A life void of drama, pain, and any lessons would be unbelievably unfulfilling and dull. You'd never appreciate the good times and 3/4 of the music that exists on this planet would never come to be. Books and movies would be boring. It would probably suck more than whatever B.S and problems you're facing right now. So face them. Deal with them. Work with what you've got inside of you and go with it. I challenge you as I am challenging myself to deal with your sh*t and accept who you are, and if you don't like aspects of yourself, take reigns in your life and CHANGE them.

Would I like to be the perfect, polished images you see on social media? Carefree, fancy, perfect skin? Sure.

The reality of my life is that the images you guys seen on here don't define me and they never have. Who I am is defined by my experiences, my family, my friends, and the many people I'm surrounded by who love me and protect me. They prop me up. And if I, even for one second, changed for the worse or let any of the "image" stuff get to my head, they would let me know.

My name is Abby. Contrary to the "Branded Abby" you see on here, I'm not perfect and I'm far from having my sh*t together. I have a slow-motion, mending heart right now, I don't quite know what I'm doing with my life yet or where I'm going, and I live a pretty simple, normal life. I'm hopeful for the future and excited for what tomorrow holds. I like it that way.

I have problems, just as you do. But I propose this summer we all face these things together to grow as people. It can only get better.