The Battle Within
I've lived in Arizona for about 6 weeks now-- the culture shock (really... more like the climate shock) has worn off. I don't exactly have a robust social life or easy way of making friends working at home, but it's been a fairly quick adjustment after 3 weeks of feeling a little lost. I've not had the chance to "set roots" in over a year, set up my own space, and truly feel like I can just... calm down for a bit. I had next to no control of what happened the last year. The result? A stronger, but physically softer and emotionally much more paranoid, me.
My flight landed in Minneapolis last Wednesday night around 11 and I was instantly aware of the humidity in the air and could not believe how much colder 48 feels to me now in comparison to the last time I felt it. To be honest, being here the last few days has been wonderful for so many reasons, but it also reminded me of why I wanted to leave. The leaves are at full peak here in Minnesota. There's a musty smell of leaves in the air, a chill on the breeze, and the days get darker much sooner than even the beginning of September.
Despite being thrilled to see my family and friends, my mood and energy dropped through the floor within 48 hours. Fall and winter have always kicked in my seasonal depression and it was astounding how quickly it rolled into my system after just 6 weeks of perpetual sunshine. I can say with certainty that I'm glad I took a leap of faith and moved to Arizona-- I'm already really antsy to get back! To be honest... though my life is not exceedingly exciting, I'm the happiest I've been in a very, very long time.
I finally feel whole.
That said, that does not mean I'm not without my issues and inner conflicts. One of my good friends really noticed suddenly how much I over-explain myself, downplay my achievements, and try to make jokes out of just about everything in an effort to not dwell on things in the past. "Now that I'm thinking about it, I can probably think of 10 more examples right now where you've done that and I never noticed it til now-- why do you do that?"
Blech. Scars of the past still rear their ugly heads.
In truth, like everyone, I have a very complex relationship with myself. On one hand, there's the things I want to do and be that I haven't accomplished yet. I'm nowhere near where I want to be in most areas of my life. And I'm proud of where I've been, but I never want people to think I'm arrogant, nor do I want to be seen as a victim of the myriad of terrible experiences I've had the last 5 years and have managed to still stay standing.
I want to be independent. I want to be strong and positive. But the backwards way I've done of doing this is to truly keep people at arm's length out of self protection because I'm so exhausted from "Starting over." I can barely remember how to "let people in."
And this, I'm finding, is my largest struggle. There's a massive heart beating in this chest that's dying for connection, and now I struggle with letting people to get to know me too well for fear of being abandoned or judged. Some people I loved and trusted really let me down in the not so distant past (probably at the worst time humanly possible) so it's really made me leery of letting people get too close to me.
This is my own issue. It's something I strive to take baby steps towards on a daily basis, through tiny actions that nobody else notices. I'm in a totally new environment where I can count the number of people I know or somewhat-know on 2 hands. I met someone online ( I went with no expectations of anything other than maybe making a new friend) and showed up a total nervous wreck for a ton of reasons. It was a C+ performance at best on my part and I was pitifully aware of what a weirdo I was. It's literally like learning how to PEOPLE again. But even though it went nowhere, I'm giving myself high fives for PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE to even be seen or make connections when I've gotten completely comfortable keeping to myself over the last year. It may not seem like a victory, but it was a major victory for me.
Contrary to what you may believe, I'm much more shy than most would realize. I talk incessantly when I'm nervous. I shut down or disappear when I'm hurt or unsure. It's extremely rare that I'm ever up for confrontation of any kind. And when I'm confused by how much I feel things, I literally withdraw and turn inwards, identifying each emotion I'm feeling, and tracing the "string" back to a moment or experience from the past to discover what's truly triggering that emotion. Sometimes its a childhood thing. Sometimes it's a past relationship (friend or otherwise). But usually, after a day or two, I can identify what the ACTUAL issue is and it normally has nothing to do with that specific situation.
It's a long process. It's a slow process. But luckily, I'm exceedingly patient. And I try to offer myself grace as much as I can.
Now that I'm completely out of the grief, freefall, and picking up the pieces phases of recovering from the last year of my life, the hardest part of all is learning to remember that most people are good, most want genuine connection, and most people don't have ulterior motives. It's a delicate line to balance when you're talking about trusting intuition and listening to paranoia.
It's a battle. Every day. It's silent and within myself. To know that I have more love in my heart than I know what to do with, but to be too frightened to show it. Or my weak sides. All I want is someone to look me in the eyes and say "I see you and I can handle it. I accept you without judgment, you're cool."
Instead, I look in the mirror and while I feel recovered, I still feel somewhat without a compass. I think I'm still trying to figure out the true purpose of what transpired in my life and how it can serve others and help them. I often wonder if someone will ever TRULY love me. I wonder if people will see my value. I wonder if people can only see my flaws or identify me only by the adversity that that muddles the paths behind me, or if they look at me and only feel some sort of pity. Again, these are stories I tell myself without evidence or proof, other than the handful of experiences that left bitterly bad tastes in my mouth. Despite these things, I then struggle to identify what is calling a spade a spade and what is identifying myself (without the words) as the victim of anything. I don't want pity. Nor do I expect it. What I strive for most is acceptance without fine print, from if I'm in shape or not, to where I live, to if I'm single or not.
The key for my healing is identifying these moments and feelings, acknowledging them, and calling them by name: bullshit stories. I can "anecdotal evidence" myself into oblivion in an effort to maintain this mental and spiritual keep-away charade. Or, I can shine light on them, forgive myself, and work a little bit harder to break through my self-imposed solitary confinement and remind myself again that I can be seen. And heard. And loved. And accepted. Without anyone else's permission.
And you can too.
Baby step back into living and trusting God's plan for you. Even when it's ugly or scary. My leap of faith was the move-- I trust Him now to meet me halfway and put the right roster of people to uplift and hold me where I am. They're not here yet; but they're on their way. And I won't always be alone. You won't either.
Everyone has a complicated relationship with themselves. Issues, hangups, fears, and flaws. Welcome to humanity. Nobody has it figured out. Most of us mask our own problems with other things for fear of facing them. But it's only when we're brave enough to face those icky, insecure, nervous, darker parts of ourselves when we can truly heal, move forward, and step deeper into our purpose.
I ask you allow yourself some grace as you're trying to figure yourself out, just as I work daily to give myself grace and take tiny actions towards moving the ball just a few more inches down the field. Now that I'm actually healed and am in the process of "setting roots", I have to learn again to shine the beacon inside of me and trust the people who come my way are meant to be in my life, are true, and are good.
Just because others in the past discarded me for whatever reasons, does not mean that I was disposable. It means, instead, they never truly valued everything I have to offer. And that's the lesson in this life. Valuing yourself is not arrogant. It isn't cocky. It's healthy in every way and what we're supposed to do. Trusting that, however, is a practice you must commit to every day.
Love yourselves today.
Love and light,
Abby
My flight landed in Minneapolis last Wednesday night around 11 and I was instantly aware of the humidity in the air and could not believe how much colder 48 feels to me now in comparison to the last time I felt it. To be honest, being here the last few days has been wonderful for so many reasons, but it also reminded me of why I wanted to leave. The leaves are at full peak here in Minnesota. There's a musty smell of leaves in the air, a chill on the breeze, and the days get darker much sooner than even the beginning of September.
Despite being thrilled to see my family and friends, my mood and energy dropped through the floor within 48 hours. Fall and winter have always kicked in my seasonal depression and it was astounding how quickly it rolled into my system after just 6 weeks of perpetual sunshine. I can say with certainty that I'm glad I took a leap of faith and moved to Arizona-- I'm already really antsy to get back! To be honest... though my life is not exceedingly exciting, I'm the happiest I've been in a very, very long time.
I finally feel whole.
That said, that does not mean I'm not without my issues and inner conflicts. One of my good friends really noticed suddenly how much I over-explain myself, downplay my achievements, and try to make jokes out of just about everything in an effort to not dwell on things in the past. "Now that I'm thinking about it, I can probably think of 10 more examples right now where you've done that and I never noticed it til now-- why do you do that?"
Blech. Scars of the past still rear their ugly heads.
In truth, like everyone, I have a very complex relationship with myself. On one hand, there's the things I want to do and be that I haven't accomplished yet. I'm nowhere near where I want to be in most areas of my life. And I'm proud of where I've been, but I never want people to think I'm arrogant, nor do I want to be seen as a victim of the myriad of terrible experiences I've had the last 5 years and have managed to still stay standing.
I want to be independent. I want to be strong and positive. But the backwards way I've done of doing this is to truly keep people at arm's length out of self protection because I'm so exhausted from "Starting over." I can barely remember how to "let people in."
And this, I'm finding, is my largest struggle. There's a massive heart beating in this chest that's dying for connection, and now I struggle with letting people to get to know me too well for fear of being abandoned or judged. Some people I loved and trusted really let me down in the not so distant past (probably at the worst time humanly possible) so it's really made me leery of letting people get too close to me.
This is my own issue. It's something I strive to take baby steps towards on a daily basis, through tiny actions that nobody else notices. I'm in a totally new environment where I can count the number of people I know or somewhat-know on 2 hands. I met someone online ( I went with no expectations of anything other than maybe making a new friend) and showed up a total nervous wreck for a ton of reasons. It was a C+ performance at best on my part and I was pitifully aware of what a weirdo I was. It's literally like learning how to PEOPLE again. But even though it went nowhere, I'm giving myself high fives for PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE to even be seen or make connections when I've gotten completely comfortable keeping to myself over the last year. It may not seem like a victory, but it was a major victory for me.
Contrary to what you may believe, I'm much more shy than most would realize. I talk incessantly when I'm nervous. I shut down or disappear when I'm hurt or unsure. It's extremely rare that I'm ever up for confrontation of any kind. And when I'm confused by how much I feel things, I literally withdraw and turn inwards, identifying each emotion I'm feeling, and tracing the "string" back to a moment or experience from the past to discover what's truly triggering that emotion. Sometimes its a childhood thing. Sometimes it's a past relationship (friend or otherwise). But usually, after a day or two, I can identify what the ACTUAL issue is and it normally has nothing to do with that specific situation.
It's a long process. It's a slow process. But luckily, I'm exceedingly patient. And I try to offer myself grace as much as I can.
Now that I'm completely out of the grief, freefall, and picking up the pieces phases of recovering from the last year of my life, the hardest part of all is learning to remember that most people are good, most want genuine connection, and most people don't have ulterior motives. It's a delicate line to balance when you're talking about trusting intuition and listening to paranoia.
 |
| Can anyone accept me exactly as I am? |
It's a battle. Every day. It's silent and within myself. To know that I have more love in my heart than I know what to do with, but to be too frightened to show it. Or my weak sides. All I want is someone to look me in the eyes and say "I see you and I can handle it. I accept you without judgment, you're cool."
Instead, I look in the mirror and while I feel recovered, I still feel somewhat without a compass. I think I'm still trying to figure out the true purpose of what transpired in my life and how it can serve others and help them. I often wonder if someone will ever TRULY love me. I wonder if people will see my value. I wonder if people can only see my flaws or identify me only by the adversity that that muddles the paths behind me, or if they look at me and only feel some sort of pity. Again, these are stories I tell myself without evidence or proof, other than the handful of experiences that left bitterly bad tastes in my mouth. Despite these things, I then struggle to identify what is calling a spade a spade and what is identifying myself (without the words) as the victim of anything. I don't want pity. Nor do I expect it. What I strive for most is acceptance without fine print, from if I'm in shape or not, to where I live, to if I'm single or not.
The key for my healing is identifying these moments and feelings, acknowledging them, and calling them by name: bullshit stories. I can "anecdotal evidence" myself into oblivion in an effort to maintain this mental and spiritual keep-away charade. Or, I can shine light on them, forgive myself, and work a little bit harder to break through my self-imposed solitary confinement and remind myself again that I can be seen. And heard. And loved. And accepted. Without anyone else's permission.
And you can too.
Baby step back into living and trusting God's plan for you. Even when it's ugly or scary. My leap of faith was the move-- I trust Him now to meet me halfway and put the right roster of people to uplift and hold me where I am. They're not here yet; but they're on their way. And I won't always be alone. You won't either.
Everyone has a complicated relationship with themselves. Issues, hangups, fears, and flaws. Welcome to humanity. Nobody has it figured out. Most of us mask our own problems with other things for fear of facing them. But it's only when we're brave enough to face those icky, insecure, nervous, darker parts of ourselves when we can truly heal, move forward, and step deeper into our purpose.
I ask you allow yourself some grace as you're trying to figure yourself out, just as I work daily to give myself grace and take tiny actions towards moving the ball just a few more inches down the field. Now that I'm actually healed and am in the process of "setting roots", I have to learn again to shine the beacon inside of me and trust the people who come my way are meant to be in my life, are true, and are good.
Just because others in the past discarded me for whatever reasons, does not mean that I was disposable. It means, instead, they never truly valued everything I have to offer. And that's the lesson in this life. Valuing yourself is not arrogant. It isn't cocky. It's healthy in every way and what we're supposed to do. Trusting that, however, is a practice you must commit to every day.
Love yourselves today.
Love and light,
Abby
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