On Values and Dating

When we were young, we observed relationships on TV and movies and got a picture of how these things were supposed to pan out in our adult lives. Our families and media heavily influenced these expectations, and as we ventured out naively into the world of adulthood, these were the things that carried us through from date to date and moment to moment. At least, that was the case for me. First kisses are put on pedestals and finding love was the end-all-be-all to life.

I was in two long term relationships that spanned my 20s. I definitely thought my last long term relationship was my match; after all, the ring had been selected, the venue located, and a rough date had been set. We had our issues, but this was someone I was positive was my "person."

Imagine my surprise when I was tossed out of our home and suddenly single in 2012 because he had other plans for his life. I will define the next 6 months of my life as "not a very fun time for Abby". I specifically went out of my way not to date anyone or be involved with people for a large period of time because I knew how damaged I was. I realized in that time period that I had allowed myself to become 100% codependent, weak, and had idealized love to the point that I had completely watered myself down to tolerate a lot of stuff that I never had before. I found myself making excuses and defending him even a year later. Though time has passed and I forgave him, I was extremely lost and unsure on the direction my life was going to go,

Fast-forward 3 years later: Holy crap, I have a new life. And it's BETTER, even with some of the bumps and bruises.

I will tell you this without a doubt: dating in your 30s is a totally different ball game than dating in your 20s. Everyone is recovering from SOMETHING. Everyone has baggage. The pool of people without children from past relationships is extremely small. Many people have a divorce or two under their belts. Everyone is complicated to a certain degree. Most people have had a long term relationship crumble before them in some way, and as a result, many people are running scared because they don't want to go through a breakup or that pain again. For some reason, it just seems like its much more difficult for me at 33 than it was at 27.

In addition, the advent of social media and text messaging has thrown a wrench in the game. It seems like we would be communicating more. In fact, we are communicating less. Conversations that should be had face-to-face are often done through your smart phone now. Who of us has not been sniped at the knees with a drive-by text message with bad news or serious conversations at this point? The general respect for merely picking up the phone or sitting with someone face-to-face to have a discussion about serious matters has gone by the wayside. It's now socially acceptable to have any kind of talk or break any news in the form of a text message because it's simply easier than dealing with the inconvenience of witnessing someone else's pain or emotions.

With these experiences, I've learned much about myself as well as learning to gauge other people. Most of this information is helpful, but it's difficult to drop the defense mode and truly make yourself vulnerable in certain scenarios. The awkward beginning stages of dating makes most people feel insecure to a degree, but it's in these times where you have a time to shine when you handle it correctly. The key here is knowing when to reveal what information about yourself and when to drop your guard. I strive to understand where the other person is coming from so it's not a narrow-minded view that only comes from my filters. Though I don't believe in game-playing, unfortunately, I find that I am often playing a nervous game of timing and biting my tongue in hope of things going in a new direction.

Due to the things I've gone through in the last few years, I tend to come off very flippant in the early phases of a relationship. While I am silly and carefree, I have come to realize that I have a tendency to possibly be TOO understanding and supportive of other people and where they're at, often times at my own detriment and my own needs not being met. I have had a few times where I have genuinely connected with someone and let my guard down, only to have a left hook come in the form of them choosing to go back to an ex, discovering some underlying issues on their end that need resolution before they can go forward, and a slew of other disappointments that I don't really care to get into in a blog. The essential thing here is that I often find myself ready to be vulnerable and move forward and the other person is not. Instead, I am apologetically discarded with little warning and the process begins anew.

This has left me with a small arsenal of defense mechanisms to keep my heart intact and afloat. In my youth, it was much easier for me to lay all my cards on the table. My hesitation to do that now is palpable and it recently backfired. My faux flippancy and "It doesn't have to be extremely serious, don't worry about me, do your thing" attitude blew right up in my face and things were broken off with me with a difference in "values" being cited as the issue.

This was a cannon ball to my stomach. The reality is, though I've worked hard to be independent and healthy, the image projected did not match what I actually felt inside. This has resulted in the loss of someone I cared for immensely and it is a frustrating grief that I wrestle with daily. The thing that came most naturally to me before (vulnerability) has been chiseled away by the grueling experiences of dating to the point that my own walls were raised so high that I (of all people!) was interpreted as being uncaring. I have never had anyone break things off with me citing my values as an issue at any point in my life. This feels like a self-inflicted gunshot wound as, while I thought I was doing things in a logical way, it was genuinely just another case of me twisting myself in areas of my life in an effort to keep things at a cozy, smooth-sailing pace for someone else's comfort. This was interpreted as being uncaring and cold.

Though it is tremendously difficult, I urge you to stay true to yourself, your needs, and the things you want at your core, as much as you want to run and hide from vulnerability. I don't care if it's in your family, friendships, or romantic relationships. Speak your mind 100% of the time, not 80% of the time. I pride myself on being truthful and drawing boundaries, yet I still managed to hurt MYSELF by straying and watering myself down for the sake of someone else's comfort, and it completely blew up in my face. Yet another lesson in my adult life (the learning only ends if you choose for it to!) where I reap the consequences of what I sew.

That being said, never apologize for who you are and what you want. Don't change to appease other people. Make mistakes, often and boldly. Own your own sh*t. Don't project your insecurities and boo-boos onto others and don't let other people do it to you. In addition, remember that everyone is where they're at as a result of experience and choice. Your values are going to carry you through from connection to connection, and they're also going to be what carries you through if things don't work out. That's not a bad thing. It's just life.

Defense mechanisms are booby traps just that you're allowing other people to set up for you. Don't let them do it. Your past and worries about something happening again is the perfect way to ruin the present and what's in your future. Don't burden yourself or others with these things. It's not fair to either of you. Letting your past and fears dictate your now is a waste of everyone else's time, and could very well result in a situation like the one I recently found myself in.

When it comes to love and relationships, your happiness should not be dictated on your status. Being single has pros and cons. Being in relationships has its pros and cons, The grass isn't always greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you water it.

Here's to being true to yourself and sunny skies in the future.

Love and light,

Abby